Amazon Prime ♥ Dan Curtis

McDonald's announced today that it will no longer be offering cheeseburgers in Happy Meals.

That's not to say that they won't still be available, mind you. If your kid has to have a goddamn cheeseburger, McDonald's is still a business and will kindly sell you one. But it won't be an item included in its posted menus.

I mention this to make a point: It's a weird, unfamiliar world in which we live. For example, MPI Home Video is now streaming a bunch of movies written and/or produced by DARK SHADOWS' creative architect Dan Curtis on Amazon Prime. These were movies that have rarely seen the light of day during the last 30 years, but are now available at your fingertips at any hour of the day, probably best viewed in the wee hours of the morning with a stiff drink in your hand. The available catalog include adaptions of many of the books that "inspired" storylines on DARK SHADOWS, ranging from his collaborations with Jack Palance (THE STRANGE CASE OF DR. JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE, DRACULA) to the cult classic TRILOGY OF TERROR.

Curtis was an incredibly prolific producer, so this list falls far short of capturing his entire catalog. But, save for the three theatrical releases he helmed, it represents most the horror-related movies Curtis was involved with. You'll also see a handful of DARK SHADOWS alumni appear in some of these flicks, including an uncredited Kathryn Leigh Scott as one of the ghosts in THE TURN OF THE SCREW and a misspelled John "Karlin" Karlen in TRILOGY OF TERROR. The list also includes the 1986 Biblical story ST. JOHN IN EXILE with Dean Jones of THE LOVE BUG (which is easily the most WTF?! sentence I'll write all day) and all 1,225 episodes of DARK SHADOWS.

Below you'll find a list of the Curtis' productions now streaming on Amazon Prime, as well as a link to help you upon your quest. A special "thanks" to @frid_barnabas for the tip. He's a fellow DARK SHADOWS fan and you should totally follow him on Twitter.

TRILOGY OF TERROR: link

DAN CURTIS' DRACULA : link

FRANKENSTEIN : link

THE STRANGE CASE OF DR. JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE : link

THE PICTURE OF DORIAN GRAY: link

THE TURN OF THE SCREW: link

ST. JOHN IN EXILE: link

DARK SHADOWS: link

KANYE WEST: REANIMATOR is not the weirdest book on Amazon

It's been said that the Gutenberg Press democratized writing, and that print-on-demand technology has done the same for publishing. Keep in mind that democracy have given us Donald Trump as a presidential candidate, while the other holds some degree of accountability for FIFTY SHADES OF GREY. I'll let you decide which one is better.

For those of you who thought PRIDE AND PREJUDICE AND ZOMBIES was the pinnacle/nadir of western literature, it was quickly followed by LITTLE WOMEN AND WEREWOLVES, a book with even less reason to exist. But neither of them have a shot for the title of "Strangest Book on Amazon." I spent some a few minutes exploring the darkest corners of Kindle Direct Publishing and have returned with these gems. And also a weird rash.

KANYE WEST: REANIMATOR
Of Kanye West, who was my friend in college and after he dropped out, I can speak only with extreme sadness... So begins this epic cautionary tale of ambition and hubris. A bizarre mix of Lovecraft and hip-hop history, Kanye West—Reanimator reimagines the classic story "Herbert West—Reanimator" with everyone's favorite petulant genius cast in the titular role. In it, Kanye West attempts to reanimate a moribund hip-hop scene, only to come to the conclusion that his music is so powerful, it should be used to reanimate the dead. And who better to reanimate than those two legendary titans gone before their time—Biggie and Tupac? Hilarity and carnage ensue. LINK

TAKEN BY THE LIZARD MAN
The Lizard-Man is a legendary creature said to be found in the rural swamps of South Carolina. He's a cryptid who has scales, and he has claws, and he has... me! See what happens when a city girl ends up with a flat tire in the wrong part of the swamp! The Lizard-Man won't be satisfied with anything but my total capitulation and he won't take no for answer. And believe you me, I was surprised at what he had to offer! Will I submit to the beast? Read to find out! LINK

BOOTY CALL OF CTHULHU
Joanne Lagrasse is a newly graduated college student living the life. Well, if the life is sitting in your apartment all day trying to research monsters for a novel. The strange book her favorite professor gave her is full of ramblings by what must be a mad man, which makes for uneasy reading and a loner lifestyle. She pushes herself to go out to the beach, though she takes the tome with her. When she decides to ignore her professor's warning and reads a chant out loud, she finds herself faced with a giant monster and its lewd tentacles, each one eager to fill her holes. LINK

CORD'S FRANKENSTEIN LOVER 
Living next door to a “mad scientist” seems spooky enough till Cord discovers a “man-made man”—a Frankenstein-type creation—in Doctor Moroney’s basement while the doctor is out of town. Moroney has pre-programmed his creation to want sex and be well endowed for it…and the monster wants Cord as his mate! LINK

Amazing collection of vintage movie posters set for auction

I picked the wrong week to be a broke-ass journalist.

Invaluable has a huge assortment of vintage movie posters scheduled for auction in June, almost all of which are out of my price range. It's certainly amazing collection, though. It's an auction guaranteed to quicken the pulse of even the most hardened film buff.

It's all part of Morris Everett, Jr. The Auction Part I, which takes place June 29 and June 30, 2015. The auction is made up of more than 1,400 lots from the collection of Morris Everett Jr., who began selling his treasure trove of movie memorabilia late last year. The first phase of this auction features posters and lobby cards from such movies as THE BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN, THE CABINET OF DR. CALIGARI, the John Barymore version of DR. JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE and many, many more.

Below are a few highlights of the collection. You can browse the entire auction through these links: DAY 1 and DAY 2.

Lot 394: Dracula lobby card. Estimated Price: $8,000 - $12,000

Apart from nearly invisible pinhole repair at left corners, the card is entirely original and unrestored. In very fine condition.

Lot 416: Frankenstein lobby card. Estimated Price: $10,000 - $15,000

Boris Karloff lobby card for Frankenstein. (Universal, 1931) Color lobby card for Boris Karloff in Frankenstein. Professionally cleaned with marginal repairs. Now presents as fine condition.

Lot 464: A rare color lobby card for King Kong. Estimated Price: $6,000 - $8,000

King Kong Empire State Building lobby card. (RKO, 1933) Color lobby card for King Kong. In very fine unrestored condition.

Lot 425: The Bride of Frankestein lobby card. Estimated Price: $10,000 - $15,000

Color lobby card for Boris Karloff in The Bride of Frankenstein. Professionally cleaned with corner pinhole repair. Generally in fine condition.

ClickBait: Kansas hates FRANKENSTEIN

In 1931, Frankenstein and his monster were more welcome in Karlstaad than in the state of Kansas.

Arguably one of the greatest monster movies ever made was banned in Kansas that year on the grounds that it promoted “cruelty and tended to debase morals.” It wasn’t a decision that the Kansas State Board of Review rushed toward, though. The board submitted a list of cuts to Universal Studios that would allow FRANKENSTEIN to be shown in the state. Here’s a sample: 

Shorten scene in graveyard when Frankenstein and aid are digging up body. This eliminates scene of them hoisting casket from grave and Frankenstein’s words: ‘Here he comes.’ And following views of casket of Frankenstein patting side of casket, inside grave, of them lifting and dialogue as follows:

Frankenstein: ‘He is just resting, waiting for a new life to come.'

Here we are — ’

And it gets worse from there. In all, Kansas demanded that 32 scenes in the film be cut or trimmed, which would have reduced FRANKENSTEIN’s 71-minute running time in half. “Banned in Kansas: Motion Picture Censorship, 1915-1966” contains a mostly complete transcript of the Kansas State Board of Review’s notes, and they show a perverse attention to detail. Members of the board almost certainly watched the film more than once in order to compile their exhaustive notes. It was a right they didn’t believe extended to anyone else in Kansas, though.

Other states took a more surgical approach to censorship. While Kansas wanted to essentially turn FRANKENSTEIN into mulch, states such as New York, Pennsylvania and Massachusetts were content to simply eliminate a scene or two. Frankenstein’s line, “Now I know what it feels like to be God,” was frequently excised, as was the scene where the monster tosses a child into a lake.

1934’s Motion Picture Production Code damaged the film even further. The code was meant to create a uniform set of standards and values for U.S. cinema, and many of the films made before that year suffered deep cuts. While FRANKENSTEIN continued to appear in theaters for decades after its original 1931 release, these were versions altered by Universal in the master negative. Most of these cuts remained in place until the rise of home video in the 1980s.