Collinsport News Bulletins

* Can you spot Collinsport's favorite witch in the photo above? The image was lifted from a recent interview with LARA PARKER from THE COMMERCIAL APPEAL's blog, which includes a few tidbits of information about the actress that I didn't know. It's well worth reading.

* The DARK SHADOWS DIARY feature is still on hiatus, primarily because there's been so much activity here in recent weeks that I haven't had time to complete the most recent entry. So, in the meantime, here's a scan of two pages from TIGER BEAT from 1971 titled DARK SHADOWS DIARY, courtesy of the Tumblr blog ELEMENTS OF THE PAST. I've never seen this feature before (mostly because I wasn't alive when it was published) but think it shows an interesting through-line for fandom.

* Barnabas Collins was spotted in the DragonCon parade. Sadly, there don't seem to be any photos.

DARK SHADOWS DIARY: Episodes 91-95

Episode 91-95: "Lost Causes"
Oct. 31 - Nov. 4, 1966

Carolyn Stoddard is a horrible, horrible human being. While her cousin David suffers from garden variety  psychopathy, Carolyn has a much more acute, pervasive and obnoxious personality defect. It's like a satanic variation of mean girl syndrome, one made all the more bizarre because she lacks the traditional social environment that produces those kinds of behaviors. She has no social ladder to climb, nor is her status in her limited social circle in danger of changing anytime soon. In a lot of ways, Carolyn is more like her cousin Barnabas than any other member of the family. She's destructive, self-destructive and immune to reason.

Carolyn has been showing signs of improvement in recent weeks, thanks to the negative reinforcement thrown her way by the many people sick of her bullshit. She's half-halfheartedly tried to make amends for her imaginary rivalry with Victoria for the affections of Burke Devlin, and has even shown signs of understanding why Joe Haskell had become frustrated with her. But, much like Barnabas, she takes two steps forward and about 100 steps back.

Things start off innocent enough this week, at least by Collinwood standards: Carolyn and Victoria discuss the identity of a "B. Hanscombe" on a legal ledger they found in a box of papers in the West Wing of the house. A phonecall to Sam Evans confirms Victoria's suspicions that the model/doppelgänger who posed for him years earlier was named "Betty Hanscombe," so Victoria decides to travel to Bangor to trace the origins of the mysterious ledger.

And this is when Carolyn decides to take the Crazy Train completely off the rails. While she and Victoria wait for a bus at the Collinsport Inn, she calls Burke Devlin and invites him down to the restaurant. Carolyn grows increasingly pissy as Burke fails to ignore Victoria's presence, but then goes full Sybil when he offers to drive the governess to Bangor, himself. Burke is primarily interested in hearing Victoria's tale of Bill Malloy's ghost, but he might as well have proposed to her on the Kiss Cam at Dodger Stadium based on Carolyn's response. The brat runs home and presents the encounter to Liz, Roger and anyone else who will listen as evidence that Victoria has joined a cabalistic conspiracy to ruin the Collins family ... conveniently leaving out her own actions and intentions with Burke Devlin during the re-telling.

Victoria's trek to Bangor serves as a soft reboot of the series, which was probably a necessity for a high-concept soap like DARK SHADOWS. A few new characters are introduced this week, most notably Victoria's new romantic interest, attorney Frank Garner, a blandly normal guy with no obvious skeletons trying to eject themselves from the proverbial closet.

And I kinda hate the guy.

In a show that's full of freaks and monsters, Frank Garner makes naïve heroine Victoria Winters look like Courtney Love. If I needed legal help, Frank Garner would be the guy to call. But the dude is in way over his head, and can only serve as a stone around Victoria's neck as she wades deeper into the corrupt morass of Collinwood.

He's also an asshole. Victoria tells him about her ghost sighting and his first response is to laugh at her. Frank follows this less-than-tactful move by offering a bunch of conjecture about how she imagined/dreamed/invented the entire incident, and wouldn't she be so much happier if she quit her job and moved to Bangor? He's just me her and already thinks he knows her life better than she knows it, herself.

I last saw these episodes in the early 1990s and have no memory of this character, so I expect Frank Garner to quietly fade into the background during the next hundred episodes. He's mostly a cypher for the audience, and excuse for the writers to re-state the show's various mysteries and relationships for new viewers. As such, this new character lacks ... well, character.
 

He also brings his father along on dates, which is just creepy.

Victoria soon finds herself at the center of a love hexagram that involves her, Carolyn, Joe, Maggie, Burke and Frank Garner. If you were to erase Carolyn from the equation, this problem would rapidly untangle itself, which is begins to do by the end of the week, but not before we're treated to a pageant of increasingly awkward dinner dates. The Burke/Victoria/Carolyn bi-polar shit storm on Monday leads directly to weird dinner dates involving random combinations of the three, as well as Frank's father, Maggie and Joe. Frowns are frowned, drinks are drunk and everyone grows to hate Carolyn.

Well, except for Liz.  As part of the week's soft reboot, we're reminded that Collinwood wasn't always the dour monument to decay that it was in 1966. The mansion used to have a full staff, one headed up by butler "B. Hanscombe," a man whose first name nobody seems to remember. Hanscombe left the premises during the exodus from Collinwood that followed the disappearance of Paul Stoddard two decades earlier. In a traditional display of awkward parenting, Liz tells Carolyn that she once made the mistake of jerking around a young man in the same manner that her daughter is jerking around Joe Haskell. Her own bad behavior resulted in a marriage to Paul Stoddard, a man more in love with the Collins money that with Liz.

Sam's not nearly drunk enough to deal with this situation.

She plays coy with the identity of this man, who Carolyn guesses is the late Bill Malloy. At this point in the show, pretty much everybody has been led to believe that Liz had been nailing Bill on the QT, which turns out to be wrong. The one who got away? NED CAULDER. Check out my diary entry for Episode 38 for a reminder about this guy.

For Carolyn, the moral of this story is ask Joe for a second chance, which he agrees to because ... well, I don't really know why anymore. But the increasingly awkward social encounters in this week's episodes illustrate a nasty streak on the part of the writers. Joe and Carolyn bump into Maggie and Sam at the Blue Whale, and the hurt in Maggie's eyes is genuinely uncomfortable. As I've said before, Maggie is the soul of DARK SHADOWS in the way that Alyson Hannigan was for BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER. The best way to turn the audience against a character is to show them hurt Maggie, and Carolyn loses pretty much all sympathy by the end of this week's run of episodes because of this.

Things end of a happy note for some of these characters, though. Joe figures out that Carolyn's renewed interest in him was prompted by her jealousy over Burke and Victoria, and he immediately calls her on it. Joe and Maggie end the week having a nice time together at the Blue Whale, once Carolyn is gone.

Victoria is not so lucky.

While chatting with Burke's henchman James Blair, she notices the pen he's using is identical to the one she found on the beach near the scene of Bill Malloy's death. Blair tells her there are only six pens like it in the world, and that four of them are in South America ... leaving only his pen, and the one belonging to Burke Devlin. Unfamiliar with the convoluted, Hitchcockian backstory of her missing fountain pen, she leaps to the conclusion that Burke lost the pen on the beach while mudering Malloy. Afraid to ride home to Collinsport with him, she calls Roger for help ... which is as ambiguous an ending as you can ask from any story.

The Butterscotch Bastard to the rescue!

(NOTE: If you've been following this feature, you've probably noticed a change in format this week. It was easier to write about the show on an episode-by-episode basis when DARK SHADOWS was still establishing itself, but that's grown more difficult as the show has dug in its heels to explore its various plots, subplots and themes. The series has begun to construct story beats using week-long episode blocks, so it makes sense to watch them that way.)

Dark Shadows Diary, Episode 90

Episode 90: "Psychopathy 101"
Oct. 27, 1966

Part of me is beginning to resent how David Collins softened as DARK SHADOWS progressed. I'm not sure there was a future for a character as amoral and damaged as he's depicted in these early episodes, but David presented the kind of lingering conflict rarely seen on television. Having a child that's a psychopath/sociopath is a tragedy that keeps on giving, and this version of David offered an endless opportunity for drama ... even after vampires became common visitors to Collinwood. I'd like to have seen this version of the character grow up and eventually take the reigns of the estate.

While he's not actually in this episode, David even makes Roger a more sympathetic, dynamic character. Roger's not wrong in his assessment of the child's menace, even if his lack of compassion for his son is distasteful. In a way, he's to be admired for surviving putting up with the boy's deadly shenanigans for as long as he has. I mean, David Collins is legitimately dangerous. Consider this gem of dialogue, which shows him limply struggling with his own lack of conscience.

VICTORIA: "You said, and I think I'm quoting you pretty closely, you said 'I hate you.' You said 'If you die, I won't even come to my funeral.' You said 'I hope you stay in that locked room for the rest of your life.'"

DAVID: "Did I say that?"

VICTORIA: "You certainly did."

DAVID: "I didn't mean it. Not all of it."

VICTORIA: "Really? Which part didn't you mean, David?"

DAVID: "Well ... if you died, I would come to your funeral."

VICTORIA: "I suppose that's something. Why would you come to my funeral?"

DAVID: "Because I like funerals."

This kid would have spooked Wednesday Addams. And he's just getting warmed up.

Victoria Winters has wisely decided that her best course of action is to leave Collinwood. Usually, most of the town would have turned out to help her pack. So many people have told her to leave that it would bust the budget to have them all on the same episode: David, Roger, Maggie, Burke, Carolyn ... Bill Malloy actually came back from the dead to tell her to piss off.

Just to make things more confusing, many of those same characters lined up in this episode to now ask her to stay.  I'm not sure if I admire or pity Victoria's gumption, but both her patience and my own got stretched to the breaking point in this episode.

This feature was actually written last Thursday. Just as it was finished, the platform used to create this website momentarily went offline. When it righted itself, this post reverted to the last time I'd saved it, which was less than half-way finished. Now, almost a week later, I've forgotten some of the episode's finer points. Here are the significant plot beats: For reasons I didn't understand, Carolyn and Victoria went snooping around the West Wing for clues to Victoria's ghostly visitor. Victoria found a ledger with the name "B. Hanscombe" on it, I made some snarky comments about the show's Scooby Doo-esque habit of running the characters around dead-end plot points and asked the question, "Who would want to steal a clump of old seaweed?" It was brilliant, I assure you.

But none of that really compares to the episode-ending revelation about David. Expecting some sort of reward for NOT locking the door to the West Wing while Victoria and Carolyn were away, he makes a desperate plea for the governess to stay. He admits he loves Victoria and storms off, leaving Carolyn more shaken than Victoria. Carolyn says she's only ever heard David admit to loving anything once, and that was a kitten he used to have. A kitten he later drowned.

Dark Shadows Diary, Episode 89

Episode 89, "The Price of Loyalty"
Oct. 27, 1966

I had a moment of terror at the start of this episode, one which escalated into a momentary bout of despair.

It was all because of that goddamn fountain pen, which keeps returning like something out of an O. Henry story. I'm starting to see why Roger has grown to hate the thing, and I'm a little surprised it didn't reappear later in the series as an infernal tool of Count Petofi or Diabolos. While the pen is DOA as a plot device, it's beginning to create a kind of dramatic tension the writers probably hadn't intended.

Then I noticed that things looked a little "off" in this episode's cold open. Roger and Victoria were driving someplace, talking about that damned pen and trying to figure out what the hell it all means. After a minute of confusion, I snooped around the disc and found my laptop had randomly skipped ahead a full week. It should have been a moment of relief, but it also meant the Pen of Damoclese continued to hang overhead. Our paths will soon cross again.

That's not to say the REAL Episode 89 was any better, but it represents a strange change of pace for a show that's come to depend in recent weeks on a small cast of characters. After almost a hundred episodes of talk, Burke Devlin is finally beginning his hostile takeover of the Collins family assets, a move that ushered in a cast of characters that would look at home in a Federico Fellini movie. At the top of the Random Cast Member hierarchy of this episode is one Mr. Blair, who I like to think is the less-interesting sibling of Nicholas and Cassandra. Considering his job probably had benefits and a retirement package (and didn't put him at risk of becoming a vampire, zombie or other unholy minion of the night) he probably lead a happier life.

Ladies and gentlemen, Amos Fitch.

We also meet a gallery of characters from the Collins family fishing business, none of which are exactly Benedict Cumberbatch in the charisma department. The homeliest of the bunch is a guy named Amos Fitch, who looks like a cross between THE THING from The Fantasic Four, and MONK MAYFAIR from Doc Savage. He's not the ugliest guy to ever have a speaking role on television, but ... yeah, he's pretty much the ugliest guy to ever have a speaking role on television.

The strange thing is that Devlin's offer is ... good. He's not only offering Collins employees more money to work for a rival business in Logansport, he's offering them profit sharing, as well. If there's a downside here, it's that Devlin is only interested in fucking over the Collins family, so there's a good chance he'll lose interest in the company (and his new employees) once that goal is accomplished. They're right to be a little cautious, but Fitch's response seems a little servile.

Fitch wanders up to the old house and announces to Liz that he turned down Devlin's offer. He seems to be proud of his decision, and I don't know what he was expecting from his employer. It's doubtful he's ever been invited to Collinwood in the past, and has spent his entire adult life living off the absolute lowest salary the Collins family can get away way paying him. I'd never given the political affiliation of the Collins family any thought but, after this episode, it's pretty clear the family represents a brand of pragmatic, old-school conservatism that's since gone the way of the Dodo. It's easy to imagine the whole lot voting for Nixon, except maybe for Carolyn, who'd vote for Jonathon "The Impaler" Sharkey if it got a rise out of Liz.

Roger has already given up his fight against Devlin. It's hard to blame him. He's spent most of his time in recent episodes trying, and failing, to get rid of a governess who's routinely outsmarted by her 10-year-old pupil. His latest gambit is to paint Victoria as mentally ill, claiming her encounter with the ghost of Bill Malloy was the product of a diseased imagination.  "Lord knows what we can expect is she decides to have another vision," he tells Liz, which is big talk from a man who likes to creep around darkened corridors while pretending to be a ghost.

Dark Shadows Diary, Episode 88

Episode 88, "Lost and Found"
Oct. 26, 1966

Revisiting these early episodes in such a fanatical manner has left me feeling cut off from the heart of DARK SHADOWS. It's not that these episodes aren't fun. They certainly have a sense of mystery that will become forgotten in later episodes, but it's a little odd to be running a DARK SHADOWS blog that spends so much time devoted to stories sans vampires. For the time being, I'm going to have to make do with the benevolent ghosts of Bill Malloy, Josette DuPres and the other unnamed ghosts of Collinwood.

The highlight of this episode is a short conversation between Liz and Roger that underlines the family's secretive nature. Until now, neither of them have had a serious discussion about the property's long-standing reputation as Maine's Most Haunted House (TM.) Victoria's revelation about her time locked in the West Wing has forced the dialogue, though. "I've seen and felt things, things I couldn't actually explain.," Roger tells his sister. "You can't tell me it hasn't happened to you, because I know better."

Liz admits nothing, but the argument really isn't about ghosts. The conversation is another veiled negotiation between the siblings, this time about Victoria's future at Collinwood. Roger wants her gone; Liz wants her to stay. Neither reveal their motives to each other or the audience, though.

Roger and Liz aren't the only ones talking spooks and specters. Victoria has gone full Mulder, announcing with no uncertainty that she saw a ghost while locked away in the West Wing. As usual, nobody believes much of what she's got to say, and she's actually a little disturbed that few people at Collinwood seemed to notice she was missing. Roger throws a cloud of ambiguity over the situation by also denying that David intended any harm to the governess. "He's confused," Roger says of the boy. "We'll never know the truth of it." All of this leads to yet another declaration by Victoria to leave Collinwood, which suits Roger just fine.

Doubting both David and Roger's version of how Victoria became both lost and found in the West Wing, Liz  leads her brother on a search of the crime scene. In the locked room she finds David's drawings, books and toys in the room and calls bullshit on his story about how he and Victoria got "separated" while exploring. The little monster had clearly been nesting in the room and was quite aware of its location.

Further complicating things? Liz finds a pile of wet seaweed on the floor of the room, suggesting that Victoria's close encounter was more than just a hallucination.

Dark Shadows Diary, Episode 87

Episode 87, "Secret Passage"
Oct. 25, 1966


Just when I was expecting a lengthy sequestration for Victoria Winters in the West Wing, she's freed from captivity. And it happens in a way that I don't think anyone was expecting.

This episode is visually dynamic in a way that defies the claustrophobic Manhattan television studio where the series was filmed. We get our first look at Collinwood's many secret passages as Roger slips away through a hidden door in the drawing room to go spelunking in the West Wing. Prompted by David's cavalier attitude about Victoria's disappearance, he decides to take a look around Collinwood's less-visited areas, but does so in secret. It's a credit to the work that Louis Edmonds has done so far that we're willing to make this motivational leap with him. We don't question why he's being so sneaky about his investigation, because we understand that his motives are rarely altruistic. When he turns off the lights in the drawing room and quietly opens the secret passage, it's understood that Victoria's rescue is far from assured.

And Roger's journey is pretty fantastic. The camera follows him down cobwebbed passages and a spiral staircase in a lengthy tracking shot that surely involved a little camera trickery. Not only is the photography top notch, but the live editing used to illustrate Roger's trip to the West Wing is so deft that most viewers would forget it's just an actor (and possibly a stand-in) walking between sets on a single soundstage. It's as impressive a use of space as I've ever seen on DARK SHADOWS.


Not to be outdone, Alexandra Moltke, who's essentially been benched during Victoria's captivity, pulls out all the stops upon her rescue. Roger finds Victoria has become a frazzled mess during the hours she's been missing. Not only has she been tormented by a very real ghost during her stay in the West Wing, Roger takes a moment to secretly  terrorize her by banging on the walls and using his spookiest voice to warn her to leave Collinwood. He finds out in the episode's final scene, though, that the very real ghost of Bill Malloy had beat him to the punch.

Whatever empathy Victoria had for her charge has dried up. After referring to David as a "monster," she tells Roger, "He tried to kill you and now he tried to kill me." She's not wrong on either count, but she's probably confiding in the wrong person.

It's not Roger's only show of dubious moral ethics in this episode. Before venturing out to find Victoria, he shares a little family time with Carolyn, where he waxes philosophical about the governess's transient personality. "She came to us from nowhere, and now it seems as though she's disappeared into nowhere," he says. Carolyn is rightfully worried about the disappearance, prompting a morbid form of reassurance that would chill Sylvia Plath. When Bill Malloy disappeared, he explains, it was equally mysterious ... but there turned out to be a "logical reason" for his vanishing. Of course, that reason involved murder, so Carolyn fails to see how that's supposed to be comforting.

The B Plot is surprisingly sweet and energetic, especially when you consider that its featured characters are a little square. This should have been a huge speedbump in the episode, but the writers and actors are invested in making this part of the story work. Their scenes include tales of misadventure on the high seas, a Joseph Campbell reference and a shocking amount of nautical lingo that left me stumped (and I was a Navy brat.) Maggie makes a definite impression on Joe when she rattles off her intimate understanding of sailing, and you can see the exact moment when Joe falls for her. Joel Crothers deserves some praise for bringing the right amount of naivety to the role, but it's Kathryn Leigh Scott that really makes these scenes sing. She not only has to make Joe love her, she's got to make the audience love her, as well. And she knocks it out of the park.

Dark Shadows Diary, Episode 86

Episode 86, "Camera Obscura"
Oct. 24, 1966

I started watching this story arc at the worst possible time. It's certainly going to drain some of the humor from this commentary for a few weeks, and I make no apologies for it. There's a right time and a wrong time for everything, even bondage jokes. It's not that I'm especially worried about offending anybody ... I'm just not in the mood for it.

Hey, it could be worse. I could be watching the arc where Barnabas kidnaps Maggie and spends a few months psychically tormenting her. Now THAT would be awkward.

Luckily for me, very little happens in today's episode, from a perspective of plot, at least. But, DARK SHADOWS can be deceptively complicated when it really wants to be, which isn't very often in these early episodes. Today's tale is a perfect example of this. The episode comes and goes without changing anyone's fortunes in any meaningful way, yet still manages to explore its various themes and situations in compelling (and often disturbing) ways.

When we last saw Victoria Winters, she was trapped in a room in an abandoned wing of Collinwood, locked away by her pupil, David Collins. Her situation remains the same when this episode concludes, temporarily making Victoria a non-player in her own story. But, much like the Barnabas/Maggie relationship, Victoria's struggle is also about identity. This kind of degradation isn't physical, instead striking at the very heart of identity. This is why we put people in prison: It removes them from the world, making them perpetual observers with no physical presence. It's probably a lot like being a ghost.

Victoria's makeshift prison cell started to change her even before she was even a formal prisoner, though. Terrified of being shuttered away with  discarded relics of Collinwood, she actually begged David to unlock the door, putting her in a reflexively submissive position. David is clearly enjoying his position of power, so much so that I'm surprised he doesn't pay her a visit to gloat.

For the first time in DARK SHADOWS, the stakes feel real. Victoria's danger is a legitimate one, which is more that can be said for the "Was Bill Malloy murdered or just fatally clumsy?" plot that's been driving the series in recent episodes. Thanks to the raging thunderstorm taking place in the background, as well as the manic sense of crisis that has distracted the rest of the cast, Victoria's predicament is genuinely suspenseful.

Things aren't going as well for David as he'd probably hoped. Roger suspects the boy knows more than he's telling about Victoria's absence, as does Liz, who finds a key to the locked wing in the boy's bedroom. These discoveries/accusations don't amount much in this episode, but they certainly keep David on his toes.

The B Plot is a little gross: Burke invites Carolyn up to his hotel room for a little innuendo, smooth jazz and party liquor, which is even creepier than you might think. Not only are we subjected to jokes about Carolyn being too young to drink (the subtext here should be obvious) before moving on to complementing Carolyn's "carriage" (i.e. her ass.)

That's about as far as things go, which is for the best. As soon as she leaves, Burke says (to nobody in particular) that she's going to soon find herself "in a whirlpool, with nowhere to go but down." It's been so long since I've seen these early episodes that I'd forgotten Burke was anything more than a charming rogue. He'd be a little more sinister if his ruthlessness was anything more than just pretense, though.

Dark Shadows Diary, Episode 85

Episode 85, "Sea Shanties"
Oct. 21, 1966

I'm not entirely sure why I like Victoria Winters.

My problem? The character's concept is a little thin, leaving me to wonder of it's Victoria Winters, the idea of Victoria Winters or Alexandra Moltke that I'm fond of. Let's review her present situation: Having been outsmarted by an unbalanced child with no formal education, she's locked in a deserted wing of the house with no clear path of escape. Her pupil's facade was so transparent that a glass eye in a duck's ass could have seen through it (to paraphrase David Bowie) yet here she is, a prisoner in her own home. To make things worse, Victoria has so little to do in this episode that even the ghost of Bill Malloy gets more dialogue than she does.

But I'm not going to hold that against her. Victoria and I are still cool ... which is more than I can say for Carolyn and Joe. Stoddard the Younger is still fired up from Joe's mild rejection in the previous episode, and is determined to do something stupid. Bolstered by a child's overblown sense of importance, she's sure a little reckless behavior on her behalf will make Joe (and everybody else) feel sorry for her. Liz isn't having any of her rubbish and wastes no time putting her daughter in her place. "You think the world is coming to an end the minute Joe doesn't jump the minute you snap your fingers," she says. She also reminds Carolyn of her own dalliances, namely stalking one Burke Devlin. "The world doesn't revolve around Carolyn Stoddard."

Carolyn's response? To cover her ears and play the 'La-la-la-la I can't hear you game." (I made up the la-la-la part, but the rest is accurate.) Carolyn storms off into the night, probably imagining the looks on everyone's faces when she tells them she's pregnant with Burke Devlin's love child. That'll learn 'em!

When Carolyn arrives at the Blue Whale, she finds Burke and Sam Evans loudly basking in the "happy" phase of public intoxication. The two men had spent the evening talking about spirits both metaphorical and literal, including the lingering presence of Bill Malloy. Before Sam accidentally spills the beans about Maggie's date with Joe (and setting Burke and Carolyn's plans for revenge on a collision course with each  other's naughty bits) the two men tell us of Malloy's favorite public domain sea shanty. Not long after they sing their final chorus of Drunken Sailor, we hear the spooky voice of Bill Malloy singing the same tune at Collinwood. Victoria isn't all that happy about finding a dead man singing sea shanties lumbering around the dark, but she'd better get used to it ... Bill Malloy's won't be the last dead guy to creep on her in the night.

It's an effective scene, though, even if it requires little of either Moltke or actor Frank Schofield. Victoria stands and confronts the specter, who warns her "Get away before you're killed." His timing sucks, all things considered. When he makes his exit, he leaves behind a trail of wet seaweed, which is sure to trouble Victoria once the whole "It was juts a dream!" coping process inevitably kicks in.

Dark Shadows Diary, Episode 84

Episode 84, "Panic Room"
Oct. 20, 1966

Damn, this episode is bleak.

DARK SHADOWS can be a surprisingly fast show when the mood strikes it. Because it didn't have the artificial structure created by primetime television "seasons," the pacing of DARK SHADOWS could often be wonky. Later on, you'll know a story arc is reaching it's end when characters start dropping like flies (usually at the hands of Barnabas Collins) but, in these early episodes, there's little opportunity for resolution. Devised as a fairly traditional soap opera, the early narrative of DARK SHADOWS was open ended, not to mention a little depressing. You can always count on bad shit to happen in these early episodes, but there's rarely any relief from them.

David Collins is the best example of this. He tried to murder his own father, but there wasn't anything the characters could do about it. The family dynamic is to hide these kinds of problems from the world, which makes proactive behavior almost impossible. Had David been successful, it would have been a much different story, but for the time being everyone seems to be hoping he'll grow out of his murderous impulses. In this episode, Victoria finds out how well that plan is working when she finds herself locked in the West Wing, abandoned by David to starve to death.

Well, eventually starve to death, anyway. He takes pleasure in showing her around his grody little hideaway in the closed-off section of the house, which comes furnished with a bed, canned food, candles and stacks of newspaper. I don't know what use the latter is, but I've seen enough episodes of HOARDERS to know that stacks of newspapers are the universal sign of crazy.

He cries for help several times to illustrate to Victoria how secluded the part of the house is, talks up his ghostly friends that sometimes visit the room, and then locks her inside. He later celebrates with a glass of milk and a slice of pie, telling Liz he has no idea where his governess is.

This episode also sees the formal end of the Nice Carolyn/Joe Haskell/Crazy Carolyn love triangle. Feeling a sense of buyers remorse over her most recent bratty outburst, Carolyn convinces herself she can patch things up with Joe with yet another empty apology. "Who knows?" she asks. "I might even tell Joe I'll marry him."

Joe's lucky she didn't make this decision a day earlier,otherwise he'd be screwed. Unable to reach Carolyn because she was actively freezing him out, Joe made plans to have dinner with Maggie and Sam Evans that evening. When she finds out about his plans don't involve her, Carolyn reverts back to character and throws Joe out of the house. It's a reminder to everyone within earshot that Joe just dodged a bullet.

It might seem like a bad thing that Victoria is still trapped in David's panic room, but at least she won't have to listen to Carolyn's whining for the next few days.

Dark Shadows Diary, Episode 83

Episode 83, "Sounds of Terror"
Oct. 19, 1966

Way back in Episode 70, we were treated to our first genuine confirmation that the ghosts wandering around Collinwood weren't the products of David's warped imagination. It was a landmark episode in the series, but those ghosts were immediately benched in favor of having the characters spend the next few weeks chasing a fountain pen.

If I had to guess, I'd say Halloween was the reason Dan Curtis let the spooks come out and play as October loomed. I'd also speculate that Halloween was the reason those same spooks were put back into the closets for a few more weeks. Episode 70 aired on Friday, Sept. 30, 1966, and not only served as the weekend cliffhanger but also set the stage for more creepy goings as Halloween approached. It was a magnificent tease, but perhaps it was too much, too soon. At this point in the series a ghost sighting in every episode might have been overkill, and anything short of seeing Josette flitting about the grounds of Collinwood like a supernatural Billie Burke would have been a let down.

Right now, though, it feels as though the mystery is winding down as we approach the Oct. 31 episode, which might finally reveal Matthew Morgan as the man responsible for Bill Malloy's death. I'm sure the DVD booklet would tell me if my Halloween Theory holds water, but having already seen these episodes (more than 20 years ago) I'm trying to maintain a modest level of suspense. Knowing how this story eventually plays out, though, it seems right to give Matthew Morgan a ghostly send-off on Halloween.

If I'm correct, it's interesting that a (presumed) ratings bump for a Halloween Special eventually informed everything the show would later become. Ghosts allowed DARK SHADOWS to introduce a more sinister antagonist in Laura Collins, who set the stage for Barnabas Collins. While these early episodes might be a little slow, they're packed full of great character moments, and the entire series owes a debt to the groundwork laid here.

While we don't seen any ghosts in this episode, there's certainly a lot of talk about them. David blames the disappearance of the fountain pen on ghosts, while Joe and Maggie chat a bit about the specters lurking around Collinwood. The episode even climaxes during a thunderstorm that sounds like something from Wade Denning's SOUNDS OF TERROR. But we're getting ahead of ourselves.

When last we left Collinwood, Roger had stolen Victoria's fountain pen, a potential clue in the death of Bill Malloy. Interested mostly in challenging David's on-going struggle with honesty, Victoria launches a search for the pen before eventually accusing the boy of stealing it. It's not the worst assumption she could have leaped to. Even though we clearly see Roger digging a hole and burying the pen at the start of the episode, it's still easy to believe the lying little monster had something to do with it. When Roger intervenes in the argument, though, both Victoria and David are stunned when he takes the boy's claims of innocence at face value.

Naturally, Roger takes advantage of the moment to manipulate Victoria into keeping quiet about the pen. He makes a sales pitch that asks her to forget the incident as a means toward winning David's trust. He also speaks with David alone in a bod to win his silence. Both David and Victoria promise to keep their traps shut about the incident, which will be no small feat for either of them.

Also, David vows revenge on Victoria. Again.

This episode's B Plot involves the dying relationship between Joe and Carolyn ... though Carolyn is conspicuously absent. Joe pours his stoic heart out to Maggie at the diner about the impending end of his romantic interests in his bi-polar girlfriend, and Maggie wastes no time casting her hooks for him. She first suggests he "gets another girl," then later invites him over to "pot luck" with her and her pop that night.

Joe stops off at Collinwood to check on Carolyn, but decides to move on with his life when he finds she's not home (Victoria gives him a slight push by suggesting he's a fool for putting up with Carolyn's bullshit.) Joe's cameo is a brief interruption in David's revenge plot. Once confirming that he and Victoria are alone in the house, David darts off, sure the governess will follow him. When she finds him, he claims he stole the pen, then leads her into the deserted wing of the house "to find it."

I'm sure nothing bad will happen.

Notes:
* This is first Kinescope episode of the series. The Kinescope was used to record 16mm film from a TV screen, and was used by ABC as a back-up copy for the smaller-market stations that didn't yet own videotape recorders. Even though DARK SHADOWS was never designed to air in re-runs, the original tapes to almost every episode of the series still exist. A handful were lost, though, and MPI has replaced these episodes with the Kinescope copies, which lack the detail of their video counterparts. Honestly, I love the look of the Kinsescope episodes.

 * I'm pretty sure you can see the box that will later be used to hold the hand of Count Petofi (among other things) in the hallway leading to the West Wing.

Dark Shadows Diary, Episode 82

Episode 82, "A Gift from the Sea"
Oct. 18, 1966

I'm willing to believe a lot of things. Alternate universes? Sure. One-handed, unicorn-slaying werewolf sorcerers? Why not? A time-traveling vampire attorney? Absolutely.

What I refuse to believe, though, is that anybody gives a good goddamn about a silver pen. This arc's MacGuffin has returned in recent episodes with a vengeance, but it's entirely worthless as a plot device no matter how much the cast tries to sell us on its importance. Most of the dialogue in this episode revolves around the pen, a "clue" that may or may not have been left at the scene of the crime during Bill Malloy's murder. The only person who thinks the pen and the death have anything in common is Burke Devlin, but there's no evidence to support his theory. Worse, his theory doesn't even have a point of inspiration. It's important for us to think the pen and Malloy's untimely demise are related, but the narrative task of extending this plot point is dumped on Devlin with no reason. Even though he's a force of destruction in the show, he's also supposed to be sympathetic ... and it's hard to work up any interest in a character who is right by virtue chance.

Roger's doing himself no favors here, either. As soon as he lays eyes on the pen he gets all damp around the collar and channels his inner Gollum. He manages to regain his composure, though, and falls back on the Collins family tradition of subterfuge. He tries to bribe Victoria into taking a job with "friends" in Florida, saying it's in her own interests to get out of Devlin's line of fire. He makes an overture to Devlin to pay for the cost of replacing then pen.

When those ideas don't work, he just decides to steal it.

Actually, stealing the pen was his first plan. While going to answer the telephone, he "accidentally" tries to leave with it still in his hand. Victoria and David remind him of his error, thwarting him. In the final scene of this episode, though, he gives up on outwitting his enemies and just steals the pen from David's room.

Besides that, it's a fairly uneventful episode. We get some fun Ralph Wolf and Sam Sheepdog banter between Devlin and Sheriff Patterson which underlines the show's lack of faith in authority. Patterson is relaxing at the Collinsport Inn at the start of this episode, having a cup of coffee and reading a "detective novel" when Devlin shows up and starts to harass him about progress on the Malloy case. Patterson is understandably at a loss for words: Following the coroner's decision that Malloy' death was an accident, there is no murder investigation to discuss. Also, Devlin's theories about the silver pen are batshit crazy.

Speaking of crazy, David uses his crystal ball to deduce that Victoria discovered the fountain pen at the bottom of Lookout Point, where Malloy is presumed to have died. Victoria's "gift from the sea" might actually be a boon to David, who is still looking for new and interesting ways to get rid of  his father. I fail to see how the pen will help, but Robert Cobert's "Drums of Death" musical cue certainly makes the plot point feel ominous.

Dark Shadows Diary, Episode 81

Episode 81, "Matthew Morgan Vs. the World"
Oct. 17, 1966
 
Burke Devlin and Matthew Morgan have a rematch this episode, but this time they settle for verbal sparring over the physical conflict seen back in Episode 64. That doesn't mean they spare the threats, intimidation and violent innuendo, though. Like something out of a prison movie, Matthew wanders into the diner and pulls up a seat at Burke's table and makes his rather-large presence known.

And he's got a very specific question he wants to ask: Why does Burke have to be so greedy?

It's a fair question, especially from someone with such humble needs as Matthew Morgan. What the Collinwood groundskeeper doesn't understand is why a man as successful as Burke still craves more ("more" in this case meaning "Collinwood.") Burke smugly brushes off the question, promising Matthew that he'll still have a job once he takes possession of Collinwood. It sounds more like a threat than reassurance, so Morgan's response is appropriately nasty: "The place will burn down before you live in it." Burke isn't impressed.

Matthew represents violent, terrified conservatism, a running theme of DARK SHADOWS. Like many of the show's other villains, Matthew can't let go of the past and is willing to destroy himself to protect something that's long since gone. Matthew wants nothing more than to protect his imaginary status quo, no matter how stagnant his world has grown.  He fears change because he has trouble seeing a place for himself in any other world. For all his claims of defending Liz, he's really just defending himself.

Which is why he's suspicious of Mrs. Johnson's arrival at Collinwood in this episode, even though her presence couldn't possibly matter to him. Collinwood's would-be housekeeper visits the mansion for her "job interview," a gambit by Burke to place a spy in his the home of his enemies. I still don't know why Burke needs her, unless his boasts of destroying the Collins family aren't as certain as he wants us to believe.

During her chat with Liz, Mrs. Johnson curiously stresses her devotion to discretion, mentioning how she never said a word about any of Bill Malloy's personal affairs. First off, this is a HUGE red flag for anyone conducting a job interview (something Liz probably hasn't done in two decades, so I'll forgive her.) Worse,  it never occurred to me that Malloy even had personal affairs to gossip about ... and now I want to know what they are. I have to interpret this bizarre exchange as meaning Malloy had a few skeletons in his closet, and that both Liz and Mrs. Johnson were aware of them.

Just to drag things out a little longer, Liz delays making any decisions about hiring the housekeeper for Collinwood. Mrs. Johnson later winds up sharing a table at the diner with Matthew, who does his best to scare her off. Not only does he warn her that Collinwood's ghosts are very real, he more-or-less threatens to add to their population by threatening anyone who tries hurt Liz. The housekeeper makes it through the accidental date with the shaggy hulk only to have Burke berate her for not getting the job on the spot. Mrs. Johnson makes it very clear she doesn't like Burke or Liz, not realizing she's found a soulmate of sorts in her co-conspirator ... who is as singleminded as she in her vendetta.

Lucky for both of them, Liz has a change of heart in the final moments of the episode and calls Mrs. Johnson to let her know she's got the job.

Dark Shadows Diary, Episode 80

Episode 80, "Pensiveness and Penmanship"
Oct. 14, 1966

There's more to serialized fiction that simply stringing together a bunch of scenes into a coherent narrative. Television is probably the most popular form of serialized fiction today, and it's a medium that brings with it some unique obstacles. Not only do you have to create vibrant characters and compelling stories, but you have to build them around regularly scheduled commercial breaks. Plot twists need to be created often and effectively, but not to such a degree that the audience realizes they're being played. And they need to be placed, more or less, at the same time in each episode. It's probably even harder to do than it sounds.

Daytime dramas have an additional hurdle that makes the routine commercial break look like a minor speed bump. The traditional pre-commercial plot twist only needs to be good enough to get you NOT to change the channel for a few minutes. Daytime dramas need to end on a note that makes you want to come back 24 hours later. Friday episodes have it even worse, which is why the most crucial cliffhangers tend to land on the last episodes of the week.

So far DARK SHADOWS hasn't really excelled at installing these plot devices. Some of it might be blamed on the nature of the story's early mystery, which has been fairly pedestrian. Whoever it was that killed Bill Malloy doesn't appear to pose much of a danger to anyone else on the show, so there's no sense of urgency to solve the mystery.It just leaves characters discussing subject endlessly.

Episode 80 was a Friday episode, and the best week-ending plot twist the writers could come up with was the revelation that Victoria had discovered the missing Silver Fountain Pen. It wasn't a exactly a revelation, because we saw her find the pen back in Episode 75. But now Roger knows she's got the pen, which means ... not much, really. The entire episode was spent casting further doubt on Roger's innocence in Malloy's murder as he quietly retraced his steps in search of the missing pen. We're supposed to believe he might be guilty of murder, but only because the writers have done nothing to paint anyone else as a serious suspect.

This story arc is a rough draft for what's to come later. In fact, the writers learned a lot from the failings of this mystery by creating more active (and dangerous) antagonists in the next few story arcs, so we owe a debt of gratitude to Bill Malloy. He's the human sacrifice that made the rest of DARK SHADOWS possible.

Speaking of sacrifices, we might have witnessed the end of the Joe/Carolyn romance in this episode. I know it ends soon, but Carolyn's behavior is so manic that it's impossible to evaluate the sincerity of her outbursts. Feeling especially dickish, Roger tells Carolyn about Joe and Maggie's "date," prompting the kind of response you might expect from her. Adding kerosene to the fire is the conversation between Joe and Liz about arranging his future at the company (which is connected to his future with Carolyn.) At this point, I don't Carolyn can be faulted for feeling as though she's getting pressured into a marriage she doesn't want any part in, and her mom and boyfriend are coming perilously close to strong-arming her into making a decision.

Still, the episode ends with the weak cliffhanger of the Silver Fountain Pen. Malloy's death has been ruled an accident, nobody is investigating further, the discovery of the pen has no real significance to anybody ... yet we're supposed to think it's a big deal. Had Roger taken a moment to say, "Oh! You found my pen!" it would have resolved itself immediately. But Friday demanded we end on DRAMA, so DRAMA we must have.

Dark Shadows Diary, Episode 79

Episode 79: "Method Acting"
Oct. 13, 1966

There's a lot of dialogue in this episode, even by the chatty standards of DARK SHADOWS. That's not necessarily a bad thing, because the script for this episode takes a positively Quentin Tarantino-esque approach to attacking its overriding question: "Who Killed Bill Malloy?"

Interestingly, none of the show's principals are directly involved with Malloy's death, which has taken on a different meaning for different people. For Maggie, it's an event that continues to trouble her already troubled father. For Mrs. Johnson, Malloy's death is a grave injustice that needs to be corrected, a sentiment that brings her goals in line with that of Burke Devlin, Collinsport's favorite vigilante. Meanwhile, Roger and Sam are freaking out because Malloy's death might prompt people to ask questions about another crime that took place a decade earlier.

The episode also presents opportunities for the characters to express, quite bluntly, their individual mission statements. Maggie continues to be the show's moral compass (she rightfully mistrusts Mrs. Johnson for reasons beyond the housekeeper's usual creepy demeanor.) Burke's priorities are the most concrete: "To get Collinwood and all it represents," and "to avenge the death of Bill Malloy." Right about now, Burke's enemies list is getting a bit cumbersome.

Mrs. Johnson is the most transparently deceptive, at least to the audience. She's the one character on the show we fully understand because she sincerely wants to find the person who killed her employer. Whatever transgressions she'll later be guilty of were only possible because Burke enabled them. Without him, she's just the community busybody. Burke's ambigous ruthlessness has made her an agent in the show's mystery and has possibly put her life in danger. And she's really getting into her new role, going so far as staging a dramatic accusation for the patrons at the Collinwood Inn's diner by loudly proclaiming Burke killed Malloy. Even he looks a little shocked by the strength of her performance.

Before she can really get wound up, though, David wanders into the scene and makes everyone feel uncomfortable. It's one thing to lie to adults for whatever the revenge du jour happens to be. It's another to set a horrible example for a child, especially one that came pre-loaded with ethical quandaries. Burke later tries to calm David by insisting Mrs. Johnson's outburst was provoked by grief and should be forgiven. He is unaware of the irony of his own advice.

Elsewhere, Sam, Maggie and Mrs Johnson are having a similar conversation, this time about Burke's nature to "upset" people. "We have to learn to forget ... live and let live," Sam declares, underlining one of the prevalent themes of the series. If anyone at Collinsport knew how to do that, though, we wouldn't have much of a series.

Dark Shadows Diary, Episode 78

Episode 78, "Pub Crawlers"
Oct. 12, 1966

Before we get started, I'd like to point out that a new song has found it's way to the jukebox at The Blue Whale in this episode. A trivial point? I guess so, but jukeboxes and I have a troubled history. If you grew up in a small town, odds are you were tortured by the same 40 songs at whatever restaurant/skating rink/hangout was proactive enough to lease a jukebox. For me, the Four Horsemen of the Musical Apocalypse were "Do the Bartman," "Achey Breaky Heart," BILLY IDOL's cover of "L.A. Woman" and "Civil War" by Guns and Roses. In a fit of frustration, I once punched Satan's own jukebox so hard that the needle skipped the entirety of "Achey Breaky Heart." The rednecks who'd paid to hear the song were violently upset and, in retrospect, it was an assholish thing for me to do.

So, it was sweet relief to hear a new song playing at the Blue Whale. I'm sure we'll get back to the usual tracks sometime in the near future, and I promise I'll keep my temper under control. I can't make any promises for Joe Haskell, though, who gets all punchy near the end of this episode ...

Social gatherings at Collinsport never end well, and this episode is fairly typical. Roger shoots his mouth off, insulting both Joe and Maggie by making a snide comment about the two chatting about "the price of hash and fish." Joe responds by threatening to kick his ass. They manage to part ways without any punches being thrown, which was lucky for them both. Joe would clearly have won the fight, but Roger is well-known for being a bad loser. Right or wrong, it's unlikely he'd keep an employee around the cannery who'd once beat him up.

The reason Roger's at the Blue Whale in the first place is rather convoluted. Sam Evans is anxious to discuss the standing of Bill Malloy "accidental" death, and the two agree to meet at the pub to avoid suspicion. Or something. I didn't fully understand how meeting in a public place was LESS conspicuous than meeting at one of their homes, but whatever. Both men suck at subterfuge, so the questionable decision is in character for them both.

Roger takes Victoria to the Blue Whale, while Sam is having a drink with his daughter, Maggie. The episode takes place over an hour or so, but I couldn't get a grasp on what time of day it was supposed to be. At the start, we see Roger and Victoria wearing costumes so odd that I can only assumed they were bed clothes, which suggested it was early morning (see picture.) It's not unlikely that Sam would be having a breakfast whiskey at the Blue Whale, but along comes Joe all sad and forlorn. Off camera, Carolyn pulled another of her "If you really love me, you'll take an unpaid day off from work and hang out with me at the beach" stunts. Joe has no choice but to pass, and appears to be stopping by the bar after his shift at work has ended. So, color me confused as to what time of day it is. (Plus, Maggie's there, and she's not the sort to share a Tony Stark breakfast with her father.)

Roger and Sam privately talk about nothing much of importance, but we're reminded of The Incriminating Letter that Sam penned as an insurance policy against any accidents that might happen to him on or around Widow's Hill ("Pulling a Bill Malloy" is how insurance salesmen refer to it.) As usual, they part company in foul moods.

The most important moment of the entire episode is the blossoming romance between Joe and Maggie. It happens very quickly, but still manages to feel organic. Maggie makes it very plain that she fancies Joe, while Joe seems to be mostly unaware of their chemistry. For a few minutes in this episode he actually seems happy, and it's probably a moment he's going to be reminded of when next he meets Chemical Imbalance Carolyn.

Dark Shadows Diary, Episode 77

Episode 77, "Shine on you Crazy Diamond"
Oct. 11, 1966

Burke Devlin accomplished at least one thing during his recent visit to Collinwood: He threw Carolyn's crazy switch from "love" to "hate."

Carolyn skips into the Drawing Room at the start of this episode and announces to her mother that she's been behaving like an idiot, but is all better now, thanks. More to the point, she's been thinking about the things Burke said before she figured out his game. Carolyn has had time to pour over every word Burke said to her during the previous weeks as she's searched for cracks in his armor. Naturally, she located a few.  And naturally, they were ALL obvious.

Remember that time he "joked" about conspiring with another businessman to seize the Collins family assets? Maybe he WASN'T joking, she decided. And just what was David doing in Burke's hotel room that time she paid an unannounced visit to him? Liz rightfully asks Carolyn what SHE was doing there, but doesn't get much of an answer to her question. Carolyn is too busy confessing to being jealous of Victoria because of the attention she was getting from Burke, even though Carolyn insists she had no intentions on him blah blah blah. This chick is so nuts that she'd scare the Joker.

Liz tries to make her daughter feel better by admitting she suffered from an acute case of crazy, herself, when she was younger. It was an illness that landed her in a marriage with the mysterious Paul Stoddard. I'm not sure what the moral of that story was supposed to be, but there it is.

Carolyn isn't the only one getting questionable advice in this episode. Matthew Morgan is busy explaining his philosophy of blind, unwavering devotion, and it's a point of view so severe it could shake the very foundations of Objectivism. David comes to the man with a vague spiritual crisis, one that Matthew recognizes right away: The boy can't decide if he hates his family more than he likes Burke Devlin.

"A man or a boy can't live with divided loyalties," Matthew tellshim. "He has to make a choice, decided which side you're on and stick to it no matter what happens." I'm suddenly reminded of that time Matthew tried to strangle Burke at the Blue Whale in front of a dozen witnesses.

But the advice doesn't stop there. Matthew also tells Carolyn to stay away from Burke. "He's like a wounded tiger," he says. "Even an experienced hunter won't go after a wounded tiger." It takes him a split second to realize that was the exact wrong advice to give Carolyn, who shows a spark of rekindled interest in said wounded tiger.

But wait! There's more! Unable to let things rest, Liz offers MORE bad parenting advice to David. What it boils down to, she tells him, is that "You're either for me or against me." She really says that. Out loud.

Carolyn goes rooting through David's room looking for a photo of Burke that David "borrowed" from his angry mentor and is caught in the act by her cousin. They get into an argument over who received the better gift from Burke. Which is better, they debate? David's photo of the man, or ... um, that super-awesome gift he gave to Carolyn that she won't reveal. David sprays gas on the fire by saying Burke likes Victoria more than Carolyn, a ploy that works even though Carolyn clearly sees through it.

The show has reached a zenith of creepiness. All that's missing is a "Uncle Roger is Dreamy" finishing move from Carolyn. I'm gonna go take a shower now.