Wednesday, January 9, 2019

Sad Monster House: The multimedia experience

It has been many, many years since The Collinsport Historical Society last dabbled in robotics. Our previous experiments were certainly unfortunate, but not nearly has tragic as the muckrackers at The Collinsport Star led readers to believe. Not every hit is a homerun, and not every death is a tragedy. To continue with our sportsball theme, an accumulation of hits also does not equate a homerun ... and numerous deaths, even in the respectable numbers were racked up during the 1959 Robotics Expo, don't necessarily make a "tragedy." Do you even remember who those people were? We don't.

Armed with potentially illegal technology and only the faintest regard for the safety of the community, we recently decided to revive our robotics program. If you're reading this, congratulations! You weren't among the first victims of iRobot.

Kidding! iRobot hasn't killed anybody yet. Not directly, anyway. We started the new year by forcing it to watch all 1,225 episodes of Dark Shadows in a single afternoon and then asked it to write an episode on its own. After reading the entire script, one of our interns ran screaming from our offices and directly into the path of an on-coming truck. This is hardly iRobot's fault (it's a documented fact that Collinsportians are terrible drivers) but it was decided that caution should be used until we can get a few more interns to glance at the script. Here are the first two pages.


Well, you wanted this. Since iRobot went online he's been the new hotness in the CHS offices. He's all anybody can talk about, thanks in no small part to the constant interrogations by the Collinsport sheriff. Since that idiot intern got himself run over last week, we've lost four more. They're not dead or anything. I mean, they're probably not ... we just can't find them. Which is fine by me, because that means four fewer people running their mouths about how awesome "iBobby" is. He's not even a real robot, you know. Real robots don't need quite so much human tissue to support their higher reasoning centers. Technically he's a cyborg. And you know who else is a cyborg? Pretty much anybody listening to that Cardi B bullshit while wearing ear pods. Not so impressive now, is he?

Anyhoo, some of you out there asked for a live reading of iRobot's Dark Shadows whatsit, Sad Monster House. I'm looking at you Richard Harland Smith, Justin Partridge and Kittie with a K. This is on you. Whatever metaphysical crisis you might suffer while listening to this is the fault of the absent deities you worship. Side effects may include hallucinations, memory loss, priapism, Eric Lang Disease, birth defects, night terrors and day terrors. Enjoy!

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